:: The Blood That I Tot Were Tears ::

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Then & Now

It is true isn't it... when people said that things change? Why am I such a stubborn freak thinking that things will always be the same?

I wonder how people could see me to be so strong when I still crumbled and cry behind close doors.

Then, you could feel when I am sad; when I dun feel good; but now, you told me that you wunno my feelings. How things've change..

You think negatively at the slightest remarks that I've made though I did not mean anything at all but you kept doubting it. Why? Or did I not have the right to even ask that? I dunno....

My heart hurts whenever I think about it. If it is just me alone, I dun mind getting hurt but there is my kid and your kid. Have you ever think about it?

I wish that we could turn back time where my happiness is all you care about but my wishes never comes true right?

Only once.. you gave me a surprise and you told me that you're downstairs and I said dat I really wish you are really downstairs and you told me that my wish had comes true.I even remembered that I told you, if it's really true, I am sooo gonna run down now and give u a big hug and kiss for making my wish comes true and you did.. I remembered too that I told you; I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.. My first wish that ever came true and I still remember it. But you guess what... I bet you forgotten all about it. Maybe, you had even forgotten what you felt for me.

Why pull me into your life just to destroy it? Can't you see my life? There is nothing else to be destroyed. There is nothing else in me. Am I just a rebound? Why me?

Only those past messages makes me smile every now and then but at the end of it? I still crumble and cry........

posted by Titiks @ 2:24 AM |

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

When you're gone

Dearest,

In a few hours time, you will be going and I have to face this alone. I hate it. A part of me is gone and I will feel helpless. I am fighting back this tears but I can't help that it kept flowing.

God, please keep him safe. I will miss him so much but please let him be strong. He needs all the strength. Amin.

We will not know how much we will be missing each other. The only assurance that we have is by msging and we hope it works.. I will miss u dearest.. I will miss you..

posted by Titiks @ 3:10 AM |

Saturday, February 26, 2011

My tears

It falls again... more frequently now...

Am I hurt? Should be.. dats y it falls.. it falls again...

My heart, are you here to be hurt? I hope not but why do you always proves me right? Dat you are here to be hurt... :'(

That smell on dat day and suddenly dat msg? How do you expect me to feel?

Oh yes! I forgot... Am sorry. I dun have the right, isn't it? But why do you want everything to be coupled? Why? My heart, you're bleeding again. I am sorry dat i did not take good care of you.

I think I can't take care of anything and dats y my happiness are shortlived. I am to blame isn't it? But this is me. I am not perfect. I'm just human. I just want to be love.

Mom told me that she never seen someone who really loves me. Sad as it is, but I have to agree.

Interlude....

Was msging him while typing dis blog. My heart stop. He did it again. I know it is coming.

U... if you dun wanna meet me, just say so. Dun need to beat around the bush cos I hate it. Calling her 'dear' justify everything on why you are acting this way. Tqs so much.. Thank you for giving me so much happiness and hopes.... just to dash everything at one time.

It hurts and I'm crying on every intervals.

My dearest heart, I need you. Can you be numb again? It hurts. I can't breathe. Please be numb again. I dun want to be in love again. It really hurts. Let me be love by someone whom I love if you really need love and please tell that someone to be true to me cos I can't trust anyone anymore.. No one... and trusting no one hurts as well. It makes me live in fear.

U... aku menjadi jijik dgn perkataan itu. Mungkin mulai dari sekarang, aku takkan sebut perkataan itu lagi. Mungkin... :'(

posted by Titiks @ 11:42 PM |

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Emo Realisation

Watched KBS and feeling emo all of a sudden. Then reality struck... I have no one...

I have a sharp nose u noe and I hate my gut feelings and instincts. I smelt the perfume. The seat was way too back. You did not answer my questions. You raised your voice at me. Maybe I was just too sensitive. I dunno.. It reminds me of the first time u scold me till I had a change of heart but I still love u. It is as though you had stayed in my heart for a long long time. Then I realise.. it was always me who holds your hand. I cried...

My dear.. do you remember? It's nearly a year since we met again. We counted every days, every hours, every minutes and every seconds of the day till the next time we meet even when we just met...

My dear.. do you remember? You are so sweet to me. You point out my fault gently but firmly. You are always there for me...

My dear.. do you remember? You make sure I am not hurt by words or others...

Then I realise my dear.. My happiness never lasts long. You forgot your promises. The countdowns had fade away... You're no longer sweet to me and... I am hurt by your own words.

Thanks so my dear for making me cry.. You made me realise that happiness was never mine...

posted by Titiks @ 1:53 AM |

Friday, February 04, 2011

My dear...

My dear my dear... what should I say?

Thanks for everything.
For spending the night prawning with me.
For just being there.

My dear my dear... what should I say?

From the bottom of my broken heart, there is you.
From the shattered family that lead us together again.
From the past we had together that still haunts me.

My dear my dear... what should I say?

Am looking forward to every moment that we will have together.
Though I know, you had taken things for granted but I am still here... for you...

Let me make a promise to myself. I will work hard for our happiness and the happiness of our childrens..

I love all of you....

posted by Titiks @ 5:53 PM |

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I tried very hard to act cool. It is difficult.. really.. But it seems that you notice it. Can see that you tried to assure me but still my dear.. I can't help but still hurt by the way u act. For example, I asked you regarding the movie vouchers which will expire end of this month and you gave me one kind of look. I hate that look but I pretend not to see it cause you are messaging 'someone'. I do not know who but just 'someone'. I dun have the right to ask you, dun I? Who am I to you?

When we sing, you kept looking at me. Did you know that those songs are for you. When I sang that 'friendship' song, u look at me and put ur hand on my leg... I felt the love.. it was like you're actually telling me dat we are not just friends and I suddenly got scared.. What if I felt wrongly?

My dear, am beginning to have doubts. Can you just hug me and tell me that everything gonna be alright between us?

I really wish you do... Or am I asking for too much from you?

:'(

posted by Titiks @ 11:40 AM |

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Goodbye 2010.. Hello 2011

2010 has been a great year... Not that great but great enough to make me smile for most of the time. What happen in 2010? A list of it...

1. Met him again in March 2010 and now still close to him.
2. Met A again somewhere in August or September and nearly got engage to him but did not.
3. An unexpected increment.. Alhamdulillah
4. Can't think of anything else... haha

My Resolution for 2011
1. Hope to still be with him throughout this year.
2. Another increment? Insya'allah
3. I wanna lose weight pretty badly....

So, I shall stop here for now.

Secondly, 31st December every year is a sad day for me and my family though we never show it. It is my late grandmother's birthday and I thought I shall write a letter to her though she will never get toi read it. And so it goes....

Nenek,
Kita rindukan nenek. Bertahun da berlalu tapi airmata tak pernah berhenti menangis diiringi doa doa yang tak putus kita hulurkan. Titik rasa bersalah hingga sekarang. Titik tak sempat meminta ampun dan maaf. Titik tak sepatutnya keluar hari itu. Titik sepatutnya ada disamping nenek membaca surah yassin. Titik berdosa. Nek, ampun kan titik.

Nek, akankah kebahagiaan itu menjadi milik titik? Titik ingin merasakan kebahagiaan. Kebahagiaan bersama dia. Da lama titik menderita nek. Kepergian nenek telah membuatkan titik hilang arah dan punca. Mereka meninggalkan titik juga dan yang ada, mempermainkan perasaan titik. Titik rindukan nenek. Titik rindu baring di lutut nenek. Titik rindu picitkan nenek. Titik rindu belaian nenek. Tapi titik tak bole lari dari kenyataan.

Sedalam mana kasih sayang dan cinta kami terhadap nenek, Allah lebih menyayangimu nek.. Semoga roh mu dicucuri rahmat dan kamu tenang disamping maha Esa. Al-fateha.

posted by Titiks @ 12:19 AM |

About Me

Titiks, born on 1st July, gainfully employed in an architech firm. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad but hey, I'm only human!