Friday, November 27, 2009
Sat down and was thinking....
Are they born to be jerkass? Why on earth do I met jerkasses all of my life? Am I just unlucky or am I just fated to meet only jerkasses? Haiz... I really dunno.

Sat down and was thinking. What if I saw him with his gf when I go downtown during xmas? I really dunno how I am going to face them. I dunno if I am strong enuf to see them together. I should forget about him. I have to. Maybe, when Monday comes and I had passed all the documents to him, it will be a start of a new life. A life that doesn't involve him and him. I better face it now than later. I could be more hurt. I know that it will be difficult and will take a long time to forget him especially when we are working together but I will do it. I can do it and I have to do it.

Sat down and was thinking. Could I ever fall in love again? It is hard to say. But right now, what I know for sure is that, I can't love another. This love is for him and even if I am able to stop myself from loving him, my heart are is still not able to love another. I tried. I had tried but I can't. I rejected every possible dates. I rather be alone than be with another. I dunno what I am doing or what I am going to do. All I know right now, I have to forget him. I have to....

That is for sure.... good luck to me!
posted by Titiks @ 10:07 PM |
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What can I say? My hp was repaired and the first person that I message was you and you are the first person to call me. I wondered why are you the first person that I want to share my happiness with? I am really happy that we talked for 13 minutes plus. I am really happy that we joked just like old times. Well, how could I say it is old times when it just happened 2 months back?

I am scared now. Scared that whatever I am scared of will come true tonight. You are out with team and I don't know if I could contact you or not. In any case, I should be running away from you, shouldn't I? I was suppose to be far away from you. As much as I kept denying, I can't lie to myself. When I told you that I lost the video of my 'beloved man', you don't want to hear any of it. Why? I was just talking about the singer whom we took video of last thursday, remember?

Just now, while resting, I was thinking about my own question. Why can't I forget you? The reason is pretty simple. Do you remember the first time you meet me? I was like a hard shell. You know nuts about me. It took me sometime to open up to you. About me, my life. You asked me umpteen times if I am interested in you but I just laugh it off. I even told you that I don't have the right to love. But you. You are the one who open up this heart. You are the one who tell me that it is okay. Then, you hurt me. J, everthing happens in just 2 months. It seems like I had known you for years. You are there when I need you but you are also not there when I need you. I have to go away from your life. I have to. I will have to try to get out of your life. Of this life. As much as I hate this. I have to. J, forgive me. This is the best for us.

It should be.....
posted by Titiks @ 10:29 PM |
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Came to that point in my life....
It is nice to hear you calling me 'darling' for the first time. I still remember the way you said it and that is what kept me smiling...

But my dear, we have to realise that when she is here, there will no more 'us'. What is there will only be 'me' and 'you'. My dear, you changed me to whom I was before and I hate that. I told myself that I rather be hurt now than later. I was hurt, wasn't I? It is really difficult for me to totally forget about you. It takes a lot of courage and time. I know that I really need to go. Go faraway from your life but whenever I tried to do that, you always called and I start missing you all over again. That day, I still remembered how you told me that you wanted to spend everyday with me. I am really happy. I am really really happy but it's impossible isn't it? I am hurt now by you. The person who was not suppose to have any meaning in my life. I am hurt by someone who is suppose to be just another person in my life.

If you have the answers to all my questions, please tell me....
posted by Titiks @ 12:13 PM |
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What was I thinking?
At last he asked me out for a movie. I told myself that I shall not wait for him as I will get disappointed but I did. Knowing very well that he might do it again and say sorry. Knowing that he is so busy with work. Knowing that he might not be sincere in really asking me out. I still wait.

He called me only after I reach home. I forced myself to act nonchalant. I forced myself to think that everything gonna be okay. Why must you call me? Why don't you just make me feel disappointed with you? It just make it easier for me to forget you. Why didn't you? J, I really dunno how I should I be feeling right now. I fallen for you. I admit that BUT I have to take a few steps back realising who I am. Realising my commitments. I can't. And that hurts. It really hurts and sometimes you just don't care though most of the times you do show concern but why when I feel okay, you are the one who hurts me with your words. I hate it. I really do.

Weeks ago, I am content just to hear your voice even if it means professionally. Today, you called and I received stares from oppa. I didn't even look at him. I just want to hear your voice. That's all. Do you know? Everyone look at the pictures and asked me but I was thinking... did you? That day when you knew we were going to the picnic. You are pissed off but you brush it off saying that you have baseball. J, it is written all over your face but you are just acting cool. J, if you really don't have any feelings for me, let me go. I don't want to hear you saying sorry all the time. I know you are going to do it again and again and again and it hurts.

ML, I don't mean to hide anything from you. Never did I realise that you took notice of everything eversince I got 'd'. Thank you so much for your concern but you have to know that in every bit of these broken pieces are only him....
posted by Titiks @ 11:05 PM |
Saturday, November 14, 2009
What should I say? How should I feel? I like yesterday morning... begin to hate afternoon till evening time but I feel great at night and I hate this morning, afternoon no feelings at all and right now am tired and sleepy and maybe tonight I can't sleep because I am excited of tomorrow's picnic.

How should I really feel right now? I smell of J everywhere. I like last night seriously. I just wish the time will stop and he called me tonight and as usual, make it as though want to talk about office work. But it was a missed call and I call back and he asked if I am fine now. When he sent me back yesterday, he told me to forget what happen in the day. I just smile.

You are such a jerk. I am suppose to forget about you but why; why can't I? I have to run away from you. I have to... Please allow me to......
posted by Titiks @ 6:02 PM |
Friday, November 13, 2009
This is just crazy. I made a mess in the morning giving hell to my AGM. He is a nice person but I am just so stress with work.

I talked to him this morning due to a car fine. I can feel the anger in his voice. Maybe due to the incident last night. I really dunno. Is he that petty? I dunno. Nwae, I told him that I will wait for his call tomorrow and he told me... wait again? sorry..... Why did he have to say sorry? Wait again? I always did dat didn't I? The waiting game. I played with it maybe since I was born. My life, my destiny might be just like this. I should be running away from him but there is just this magnet between us that makes us so inseparable. I have to go away from him. Let me just go away....

Anyway, my office staffs are having picnic this Sunday. Oppa ask me to call one of our engineer if he want to follow us and so I just picked up my courage just now and surprisingly he said yes! Now I am nervous. There is nothing between us. I just look him up as a colleague. I like the other person but seems like Oppa dunno about it. Nwae, I hope it won't rain this Sunday and everything goes smoothly. I really hope so.
posted by Titiks @ 12:12 AM |
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Confession of a Confused Heart
She felt like a fool. She should be hating him but she just can't do it. She can't resist the sms and the calls. He is there whenever she thinks of him. She misses him so much. He got a gf and he loves his gf. She is sure of that but why is it so difficult to forget him? He is nothing. Nothing special. Why is she head over heels in love with him. Why can't he let her go? Why can't she let him go? This is so stupid. Knowing that he might not love her. Knowing that she might just be a stand-in, why is she being so stupid?!

Why do men hurts her so much or is she the one willing to be hurt? Please allow her to forget him. Why didn't he allow her to?

She miss him. She really do.....
posted by Titiks @ 12:10 AM |
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Who am I?
You called me when I was on medical leave. I was shock. I thought you knew I was sick. I picked up the phone and heard your voice. I asked your purpose of calling and you answered that you were just wondering what I was doing at that point of time. Well, it was 5pm and raining. If I was at work, I would probably still doing my work but I was at home on that day and was watching the television. I was happy just to know that you are thinking of me on that rainy day.

I was tired last Sunday. Came back from Malaysia and was feeling terribly upset that I forgot to send back the DVDs that I borrowed and was thinking of you and how good it will be if you are thinking of me too and message me or something. One second later.... aaaaaccccchhhhhooooo! My sms ring. I was like.... 'haiz. i wish it is him' IT IS HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He asked what I was doing and if I wanna meet him. I really feel like meeting him. I missed him and I really want to meet him but I said the opposite. Not today. Just came back from Malaysia and have not iron my clothes for tomorrow. Stupid ME! What was I thinking? He is a busy man! He came back late everyday and here I was missing the opportunities to meet him! What the hell was I thinking?! But I felt good. I don't regret. To me, if you really want to meet me, there will be another time that we will meet and the past will rewind itself. Am falling again my dear..... I do....
posted by Titiks @ 3:03 PM |
Monday, November 02, 2009
After I know everything....
What did I do? I let mistakes get in the way. What am I thinking? Why do I want someone who got another? I really dunno. Is it my inferiority complex that it feels good when he chose me over her? I am glad though that I still stick to my principle that I won't get any near to someone's husband. Although yea a 'J' has and will always been labelled as a bad person but I won't do it. I know I am a good 'J'... hehe....

Anyway, yea... I was thinking why he can't let me go. Why he kept holding me back. Why is it so difficult for us to be separated. If he really loves me, why he chose her but still won't let me go? I am so confuse. He ask me two days later on why I went back without telling him. I did. I really did tell him but he don't know. Too tired to know, maybe. Did he find me the next day? I did not ask. The truth. Every truth that he told me; hurts me. Therefore, don't tell me anything. Just as how you never want me to explain, I don't want you to explain either though yea I always explained on every other day cause I can see the hurt in your eyes. You kept blurting your hurts but shut it the next minute. I am really tired of your games. I want to forget you but do I really want to? I don't know. I am really confuse.

This heart; it hurts and I don't want it to hurt anymore. Please let me hold to every memories there is between us. Every bits and pieces... everything....

Make her happy my dear for you had chosen her. I will slowly fade away from your side. And when I did, please don't call me like that day in the wee hours of the night. Please don't tell me you miss me. I will just break down and cry cause I know you will try to forget everything the next day. I know that and it hurts me more....
posted by Titiks @ 6:33 PM |
About Me

Titiks, born on 1st July, gainfully employed in an architech firm. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad but hey, I'm only human!
Previous Post