Friday, September 29, 2006
What I dreamt last night shocked me. Now, I am afraid to sleep. Afraid of having the same dream. It is not about anybody but myself. Will it really happen? I noe it will definitely happen one day but is it a sign? It is still too early but does it noe what is the meaning of early? It would come at the most unexpected moment. What will happen to my love ones if it really happens to me? What will happen to Chrisz? Will he cry? Will he find another? I dunno... I miss him so much. We are going to meet tomorrow and are going to Darul Arqam. He wants to convert soonest but he still needs to attend courses. Alhamdullilah. He is not converting because of me. Then maybe we would look around for an engagement ring. He insists on Soo Kee Jewellery but I told him that it is best if we go to Bugis as there is a lot of jewellery shops there and as he wants to buy a sim card but am sure there is no Starhub shops there. Hmm...... Maybe should go to Bishan but not on the way.... Haiz... We'll see how....
posted by Titiks @ 11:44 PM |
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Thinking.... Worried..... Can't sleep..... What should I do???? Juz live with it!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Titiks @ 10:48 PM |
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
"To love a girl knowing dat she have illness, at times am so worried. No matter what, I want to make her happy so she get to see me marry her and the kids grow up and get married. I will always love her."

"At times why I scold you for delaying taking your medicine is cos sumtimes I see you dun bother. Every night I think of you and your illness. Sometimes you says I dun acknowledge I love you. In my heart, I care and concern and loves you."

" I always think of you every nite and worried. Sometimes I feel very sad when you feel the pain. Even now, I can't sleep"

I received all these messages at 3am in the morning. He can't sleep and message me all this. Last night, he told me when he had actually fall for me. It is on our first meet. He told me that he likes how I care for him and gradually the feelings become stronger by day. I love him. And forever I will be...
posted by Titiks @ 11:53 PM |
Monday, September 25, 2006
First Day of Ramadhan
Alhamdullilah... The first day ends well. Feel restless of course but dats usual. Feel really fresh when the fast ends and after my Maghrib prayers. I prayed for forgiveness and the blessings of THE ONE in our relationship. I prayed that HE will show us the way to the right path and dat we will have a smooth journey to our engagement and alas to our marriage. Amin.

I told him that if I have a younger brother, my parents would have name him Esra Merza. Chrisz said he likes the name very much and he ask if he can take that as his Muslim name. He ask me to ask my mum and so I did. Mum laughs and said that it will be better if he take a name from the Quran. He insists on the name. :) That's him. My darling...

We talk about our future. We agreed to take things one at a time. But there is never harm in planning for the future. He told me that right now, he gonna save for our engagement and after that will be our wedding. The last thing he told me was after our wedding, we will save to go to Haj for our pilgrimage. I was really shock and I thank Allah for that. I thank God for opening his heart to convert to our religion and wanting to go to Haj. Syukur Alhamdullilah. I never felt this happy and I thank God for this happiness that he had given me. All this while I had been asking myself where will I find happiness. Never did I realise, I had found my happiness in Chrisz. Thanks my dear for everything and Thanks God for giving Chrisz to me...
posted by Titiks @ 12:06 AM |
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Her, You and Me
Her + You + Me...
Is this how it's going to stay?
I'm tired of being the third wheel
I feel like I'm in your way.

Everytime You come around
You act so nice to me.
And then once you know she's around
You suddenly want to leave.

You say you don't like her that much,
but you really have me fooled.
I know you don't want to hurt her feelings
but I think it's time for you to choose!

I know it's wrong for me to act this way
because I know she is your Girl!
But don't you know I like you alot
and to me, you mean the world!

Am I wrong for messing with you
While you were with her at the same time?
As much as she wanted you for her
I want you for mine!

He r+ You + Me
Is really starting to bug me out!
Why did I get involed with you
when I knew Ya were going out
posted by Titiks @ 11:14 PM |
My worries
His friend passed away years ago while the they were riding back to Singapore from Malaysia. He was the rider while his friend was the pillion. They met with an accident and the friend passed away on the scene. He managed to survive but was in coma for 2 weeks. When he was concious, he ask where is his friend. Cause of his weak state and he had not recovered fully, his other friends kept silence about the death of their friend. When he knew that his friend died a week later, he promised himself and his friend's family that he would not ride a bike again. He gave up his licence and stay true to his words. Until now, there will be tears in his eyes everytime he mentioned about his friend and how he regret speeding at 120km/hr.

Recently, he told me that he gotta take a bike licence due to his work. I told him that if it is due to his work, I will allow but he can't ride a bike when he it is out of working hours. Frankly, it is not that I dun allow but because of what he had promised. A promise made about his own life is not funny at all. I am really really afraid. He is my future fiance. I do not want anything to happen to him. I love him a lot. His eyes brightened when he told me that he miss speeding. I reminded him of the promise that he made and how worried I will be. I dun care a damn if it is due to his work but I do not want him to speed and I do not want him to break his promise. A promise that is made regarding your own life is very dangerous. Yah it is true, if it is time for you to go, you will have to go but we dun find 'death'. If only he understand how worried I will be......

If anything were to happen to you my dearest...
I rather die than to live without you
For I am too dependent on your love
Your hugs and your kisses

If anything were to happen to you my love...
My life would be dead
Though my heart keeps beating
It will only beat for you

If anything were to happen to you my sweetheart...
My life would be like a zombie
For you are the reason I live on
For you are the sunshine in my life

But if anything were to happen to me sayang...
Please live for the future
Never ever look back to the past
In heaven, I will always stays by your side.........

I love you Chrisz and I never wanna lose you..... Never.....
posted by Titiks @ 10:41 PM |
My wishes
I do not want anything to change between us. I still want our 'I love you' to be there and to hold your hands until the day I die. I love you and only you. I am really really afraid of losing you. Dear, please take care of my heart as how I had taken care of yours. Please do not crush it into pieces just like how they did it to me. I won't be able to face the heartache. Please treasure me n my love just like how I treasure yours. I love you and miss you every seconds of everyday. Dear, thanks for everything that you had done for me. I really appreciate it. Thanks for loving me as I am. I was really happy when my mum ask you whether you had really made up your mind about me and you said that it had been a long time that you made up your mind. I can't help but smile. I was so touched by every words that you said that day. Thanks dear for everything. Especially for just loving me....
posted by Titiks @ 12:46 AM |
Sunday, September 17, 2006
The Past, Present and Future
My love journey in life had taught me things that I need to know, understand but there was also things that I dun wish I knew. However, if I dunno all those heartaches and the feelings of losing my loved ones, I dun think I would ever treasure what I have right now. The things that I can't forget between me and him still haunts me but it did not hurt as much. Maybe because I have Chrisz in my life now and I am grateful to him. The past will soon fade away and I have to live by the present and the future with my beloved family and my man. Whatever he did to me and my heart will soon pass and fade away with time though it took years. He taught me the meaning of love, missing the one I love, trust, honesty and faithful. Now, I knew who I love, who I miss. The importance of having a solid trust, being honest and faithful to your man. I had loved him before but he is never there for me. Now that I have Chrisz, I would treasure him, love him, miss him, trust him, be honest to him and remain faithful to him. So far, I've learnt one thing from a friend. There is no use in loving someone if you can't have him. It is true that we won't know the ending of life but like the song goes 'how can we say forever when I see you next to never?'

I chosen this journey in my life and hopefully with the blessings of 'THE ONE'. I hope there will be nobody between us and that our life will go smoothly. Insya'allah until the end of life...... I would like to end my journey with you.............
posted by Titiks @ 12:10 AM |
Friday, September 15, 2006
Seandainya ku pergi sebelum mu
Jangan kau menangis atas pemergian
Teruskan hidupmu tanpaku
Walau kau amat kerinduan

Seandainya tidak sempat utk kita bersua
Pelamin angan kita hanya tinggal kenangan
Jangan kau membenci 'cinta'
Fikirkan hidupmu dan masa depan

Tapi sekiranya kau pergi sebelumku
Akan ku terus berdoa
Agar cepatkan hari kita bertemu
Walau itu hanya di syurga

Akan tetap ku teruskan kehidupan
Tapi bukan akhir dengan perkahwinan
Kerna kau terakhir di alam percintaan
Dan tiada yang dapat melupakan

Cinta yang kita rasa sejak dulu
Walau dulu hanya teman biasa
Tapi kau bakal menjadi tunangku
Dan ku rasa amat bahagia...

To my dearest beloved..... I love you...
posted by Titiks @ 1:30 AM |
My sickness...
The defining feature of myasthenia gravis is painless muscle weakness that fatigues - in other words the muscles weaken more rapidly on use than is normal. In addition, the symptoms typically worsen towards the end of the day and after exercise. Myasthenia gravis affects about one person in every 10,000 in the UK. The disorder can start at any age from childhood onwards and the chance of developing it increases with age. In the younger age group, women are affected about twice as often as men are. However, in later life it is commoner in men than women. The prognosis of myasthenia gravis is good. Using the array of therapies that are now available, more than 90 percent of patients return to near-normal function.

Between patients, the disease varies widely in severity and pattern of progression. In the early stages, the weakness can be intermittent. Often the first sign is drooping of the eyelids or double vision. About 15 percent of patients only ever have eye muscle weakness – this is called ocular myasthenia. The others also have more widespread weakness - generalized myasthenia. These patients can develop weakness of the face, swallowing, and chewing muscles, slurring of speech, and weakness of the limbs and neck. In severe cases, weakness of the breathing muscles can occur. Problems with swallowing or coughing can cause choking. Chronic fatigue without weakness is not a feature of myasthenia.

Myasthenia gravis is an autoimmune disease caused by abnormal antibodies carried in the blood stream. Nerves release a chemical called acetylcholine that activates receptors on muscles to trigger contraction. The myasthenia antibodies interfere with this process by binding to specific sites on the surface of the muscles. The commonest antibodies are directed against the muscle acetylcholine receptor. In 75 per cent of patients, the abnormal antibody production is associated with abnormalities of a gland in the chest called the thymus, which is part of the immune system. About 10 per cent of patients have a tumour of the thymus (a thymoma) that is usually benign. There are very rare genetic abnormalities that cause problems similar to myasthenia gravis. These diseases are called congenital or inherited myasthenias and usually present in infants.

In most patients, blood tests can detect the antibodies that cause myasthenia gravis. Electromyography (EMG) is a very sensitive method to assess the changes in muscle electrical activity caused by myasthenia. Sometimes an injection of the drug edrophonium hydrochloride is given (the Tensilon test), which causes a swift but brief improvement in most patients’ muscle weakness. Many patients have a chest CT scan to assess the size and shape of the thymus gland.

Acetylcholine is broken down in the body by enzymes called cholinesterases. This action can be blocked by anticholinesterase drugs such as pyridostigmine. These drugs can control myasthenia in some patients but many others need additional treatment. Surgical removal of the thymus gland (thymectomy) is performed in patients with a thymoma and can also help some other patients, especially those who develop myasthenia before the age of about 45. Drugs such as prednisolone (a steroid) and azathioprine that suppress the immune system are often used in patients with disabling weakness, especially those who do not have, or fail to respond to, thymectomy. When rapid improvement is needed, for example severe weakness causing breathing or swallowing problems, patients can be admitted to hospital for plasma exchange, which removes antibodies from the blood. Another option is an infusion of intravenous immunoglobulin. The benefits of these emergency treatments last only for about six weeks.
posted by Titiks @ 1:28 AM |
Life as it is 2
The story shall continues..... He almost fade from her mind but he came back with a smile. She fell for it again just to know the man is married. She is in love with a married man! That is far away from what she thought it is. She can't believe it. She had never have an affair but she loves him a lot. The more she sees him, the more she hates herself. The more she heard the wife's voice, the more she hates her. She envies her for having a good husband and how she wish that she were the wife but he might do the same to her too. What can she do? Will she continues with her fantasies? Will she wreck a marriage when it wasn't her principle to do so? What will she do? Commit suicide? It shall continues again....
posted by Titiks @ 1:13 AM |
Monday, September 11, 2006
Who are you???
She was asking, 'Who is he?'

Nobody can answer her. The gaze in his eyes. That smile. She smiled to him. Juz a friendly smile and he smiled back. He dun look elsewhere. Only to her. She never realised it until their eyes met. Without knowing each other, she went off.

Walking aimlessly on the roadside. Hoping to see the mysterious guy. Not sure if she remembers. Not sure if he remembers. Would she continue to look for him? The story shall continues..... (belum abis baca buku lah!!! Hehe.....)
posted by Titiks @ 9:44 PM |
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Thank You Sayang....
Everything is too good to be true. I had my dream guy and everything else are peaceful. My life is peaceful at last. Not as much worries as before and I am very happy. Thanks sayang for everything. You had been there for me. I know you dun have much time even for yourself and that is why this thanks. You tried to spent your weekend with me that you did not even have enough sleep. I am touched but worried that you'll be very tired. I always told you in our messages that I love you and I dun wanna lose you. You told me not to say that again cos we are getting engaged and that I will never lose you. Sayang, from the bottom of my heart, I love you so much Christopher Lee...

The eyes that captivates me...
When you said I love you
Like the first time we met
That can't be true...
When your eyes look at me...
When your body against me...
When your lips pressed to mine...
We stop dancing and go to our own world
Dun care about the onlookers
Dun care about the music
We are in our own wonderland
The kisses are passionate
The hugs are warm and secure
Never let go of my hands
We dance to the rythym
You take care of me
You love me
No promises made but our love had made it all happen

To my dear Chrisz.... I love you sayang and I will always love you dear!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Titiks @ 11:21 PM |
Monday, September 04, 2006
Life as it is...
She was hoping to meet him everyday, every hour, every minute and every second though she knew that it was impossible. She must live with the fact that he is married and that the relationship was never meant to be. Though the love they had was deeper than what others thought. The love they had is pure and sincere but why aren't they together? Oh... there is 'her' in his life. She envy 'her' for having him but what can she do? She can only watch from a far. Though they meet in the day but at the end of the road, there will still be 'her' waiting. She wants him for herself but fate and destiny played them out. They are not fated to be together. At the end of each day, she cried at the thought of her love one sleeping with someone else but she can do nothing. Nothing at all. He dun even know this. She dun have the right to tell him. She dun have the right to argue with him and so..... she just keep quiet; swallow everything that life had given her. She hates herself even more. If only it is not love that she felt............

Turning to you,
with my heart open wide
I shuffle to think of ways not to hurt your pride.

Breaking up with you seemed so easy.
It's like you didn't even care,
But I thought I was your baby.

Probably just another affair.

We used to have nights filled with passion
but recently
it's all turned to lies and deception.

You said you'd leave your wife,
but "it wasn't the right time."

It seems as if
that with every kiss there came another promise.
And with every promise broken there came another gift.

Breaking up with you seemed so very easy.
I just don't understand.
How can love fade away overnight,
if there was never a one night stand?
posted by Titiks @ 11:52 PM |
Sunday, September 03, 2006
If I could put my feelings into words.
If I could tell you what you mean to me.
If I could say the things I think.
Do you know what you would be?

You would be the sun in my sky.
The lily pad flower in my pond of tears.
The rainbow that comes when the rain has passed.
The eraser of all my fears.

If I could do what I wish with my time.
If I could spend it with someone like you.
If I could go where I wanted to go.
Do you know what I would do?

I would lie in your arms forever,
and tell you how much I care.
Kiss you once and kiss you twice.
Leave you? ...I wouldn't dare.
posted by Titiks @ 11:18 AM |
Friday, September 01, 2006
Treasure Everything
Talk about the past had made us treasure each other more in every way. How he regret losing his handphone and how I regret not waiting for him. We nearly lost each other but we are fated to be together. I thank Allah for his existence in my life. I still remember when I had a boyfriend last time and Chris came back to me. I told him that I was happy with my boyfriend and so he told me that it will be our last chat and he let me listen to the song sung by Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting. I cried cause I thot his feelings are never serious. How was I to know he loves me too? My love had never been reciprocate. Even if it does, it will be out of pity. But he is different. We do not wanna lose each other. We treasure everything between us. I can accept everything about him. Everything. I love him and I believe that he is for me. I am very glad that my family can accept him. We are waiting for our engagement day and can't stop talking about it. Keep on repeating every words and never grows tired of it. I love him and am glad that I am with him and insya'allah... we will be very happy together. God bless us....
posted by Titiks @ 9:43 AM |
About Me

Titiks, born on 1st July, gainfully employed in an architech firm. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad but hey, I'm only human!
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