:: The Blood That I Tot Were Tears ::: October 2009

Sunday, October 18, 2009

171009

Dun try to explain to me. By right, you dun nid to. Who am I to you, right? I am just a colleague of yours. Nothing more. Nothing less. Maybe... just maybe....

Patch things up with your girlfriend? Am I suppose to be just a stand-in? If I had known earlier, I wouldn't let it happened. But seriously, I dun regret it. Please... please allow me to hold to dat memory dat we had. I will remember it and treasure it always. Dun expect me to be there for you anymore. Dun expect me to msg or call you anymore. I hate you for being too confident. I hate you for being so confident that I will be back. Stop holding me too tightly. It is hard for me to let it go. It was written all over your face that you hate him. You hate it that I am meeting him. You blurt it out and I heard it. Please... let me go.... it is hard for me to do this so dun hold me back. Dun hold me too tightly. Please... I missed you so much but I am hurting whenever you're beside me; whenever u put your hands on my knees trying to make me understand, whenever you stare at me. I am hurting... it really hurts.

I dunno what tomorrow will brings but I hope it is for the better. I pity my heart. I dun want it to be hurt again. I swear dat I dun want to mention your name ever again. I want to forget where you stay and which site you belong to. Let me go and let me have at least peace in my mind....

From now on, I will do what I want. I won't let anyone... ANYONE to let me fall again. I will have to do this for myself and my family. This is the time I will show everyone.... I AM BACK IN ACTION!!!

posted by Titiks @ 6:46 PM |

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Last Week

On thursday, I had dinner and went somewhere. I am really stress up with my work and with everything else. I am stress that I don't have time for my kid, for my family or my own self. I am stress that people are making a fool out of me; out of my trust and their promises.

Last Saturday, I was suppose to go to my ex-colleague's open house but it was cancelled cause her sister-in-law's baby died in the womb. I feel sad for her. I cried quietly everytime someone mentioned of death especially babies. God is Great.

I was too tired by the time I reach home and head for the bed. I slept early just to wake up at 1.12am to be exact by the ringing of my mobile on my dressing table. Usually, I will put it beside me; on the bed. But, I dunno on that particular night, I don't feel like getting any nearer to my mobile. I stared at it for a moment then decide to just crawl out of bed and reach out for it. By the time, I see it, it was silent. I was struggling to type in the password to see who called and it rang again. I almost jumped out of bed and wide awake. It was him. I thought I was dreaming but it was him. He called me. I dunno if he was drunk or just plain bored but he called me.

I braced myself and picked up the phone. I said hello and there was his voice. I miss that voice that I almost cried. Almost. He asked what I was doing. I can't possibly said that I was sleeping and my stupid answer was nothing. He asked if I have anything the next night and I said no. He told me that he missed me and want to meet and that he will call me at 9 sharp. Yes. 9 sharp but do you think he did?

As usual, he did not. I expected that. That was so predictable, isn't it? After what he had done, how could I believe him?

I woke up every hour of the night. I thought I was dreaming. I look at the call list and yes his name was there. One missed call and one incoming call. It is him. He did call.

I did not asked why he didn't call me like he promise to. I didn't bother. Maybe, I don't even want to know. I admit it. I do miss him a lot but there is no way. No way that I am going to meet him again. Everytime I have to call their office, I got scared. Scared that he is the one who picked up the phone like he did yesterday and still act nonchalant.

I dun understand why you can be a jerk through and through....

posted by Titiks @ 6:04 PM |

Saturday, October 10, 2009

On that day.... it hurts...

I waited and you never came. You love to play the waiting game isn't it? Do you feel good making me wait? I still wait patiently till I am disappointed with myself. I know from the first start and I asked. Not once. Not twice. Many times. I gave you chances to tell me the truth. I want to hear the truth then. At the very least, I will not be hurt knowing that you sincerely wanna be my friend. An honest friend. Without lies. You know I hate liars. Why did you lead me on? Why? Is it your intention to hurt me? I just want to be happy. Is it wrong for me to do that?

Why must you tell me that she is here? Don't act as if nothing is wrong and want to continue talking to me. I told you that I understand cos I know from the start. I know that you lied. But still, I dunno why I am hurting this much. Why must things happen between us? Why must you assure me that you'll be there and this happen? You lied!

Five days. No messages. No calls. I did not wait. In fact, I was scared that you will call or message me and ask me questions. I do not know how to answer. Why am I feeling guilty when the mistake is yours? Why must you carry me up just to let me fall again? What wrong have I done to you that you must do this to me?!

On the sixth day, we have to meet not because of personal matters but professionally. I avoid your eyes and even yourself if I could. I got down the van and just walk without looking at you directly. I thought I was safe when we are infront of the registration counter as there is lots of nurses there but you popped the question. That question which I dunno how to answer. You asked why am I so cold towards you. Am I? How do you want me to react?

I sat further away from you to avoid another questions but 10mins later, you sat beside me and ask why am I so cold towards you again. I told you am fine and there is no cold act but you insist. You took the act that there is no messages and calls from me and you ask why.... I dunno how to answer that and so I questioned you back, you didn't call or msg me either right? And there and then you message me. Haha what a joke. You dun msg ppl wen they are right in front of you. DUH! And why when you make sum calls or receive incoming calls, you will walk away from me but when I receive calls or make sum calls, you ask me who? Who calls me? Who did I call? What I did the previous day? Who did I went out with? Who is this guy? Who is that guy? Who is the guy who message you? Take my mobile away and kept scrolling and play games on my mobile. Argh!

You're hurting me more. Don't you know that? I hate it my dear. Why did you do this to me? When I got out from the van, you asked me if I will call you or at least message you. I asked you, do I need to? and you asked why.... I was reluctant to answer at first but then I said.... in case you forgot my dear..... YOU LIED! and I heard you asked what? But I slammed the door on you and never turn back.

In case you fail to notice. In case you fail to see. This is my heart. Bleeding before you. This is me down on my knees!

Another you. Please. I beg you. Don't lead her. She is still young. To young to know. So, please....

posted by Titiks @ 11:24 AM |

About Me

Titiks, born on 1st July, gainfully employed in an architech firm. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad but hey, I'm only human!