Wednesday, September 30, 2009
When we met, I can't hardly recognize you. You suddenly grab all documents and go. We talk, joke and stare at each other. We definitely knew what is happening between us. It is always me and not you. Don't you realise it?

I noticed your hair and asked and you told me clearly that you only dressed up occasionally or when you meet someone special. Well, I am not special afterall isn't it? Oh yea.... for once, I forgotten where I stand. I am sorry. Sorry for reading too much in your body language. Maybe it is my fault. I forgot that I don't have the right. Not even a right to be happy with someone. I am sorry that I forgot and it hurts.

You ask me about her and you ask me about him. Why do you have to turn your head away? Listen to my explaination please... or maybe there is no explaination at all.

When I receive a message, why do you take my mobile away? Why did you look at it? Like on that day, you just take my mobile and put it in your pocket as if all my belongings belong to you. Only a boyfriend or husband do that. Don't you know?

I told myself a lot of times not to be taken in by sweet words, by sweet look and anything to do with that. But you are neither. I just feel comfortable with you. I might be wasting my time but you allow me to waste your time too, isn't it? If not, why do you call me and messaging me? Why do you always promise to call me every night?

Everytime I called out your name, you will always answer me; just to assure me that you are there with me. I told you I hate those messages when you say 'Nothing' and 'What' and you said you didn't mean it. Thank you so much. I am content just to know that.

I am easily content if you know what I like and what I dislike. At this stage of my life, I can't expect more from you. I can't ask you to accept me as I am cause I know you can't. Blame it on my status or blame it on my past stupidity if you must. Maybe this is the retribution that I got from loving him so much. I am hurting so much if you must know but as much as I am concern my dear, behind this smiles and laughters, I won't let you see my tears.
posted by Titiks @ 8:39 PM |
Monday, September 28, 2009
In a state of confusion....
I told myself to run away from you. Why did you have to chase me and make me stop? Don't give me false hope as I do not want to give you any hope. I am confuse all over again. You are so unpredictable!

Why do you have to make me feel so insulted at one time and make feel good the next? Why are you so nice to me at one time and be cold to me the next?! I am screaming out loud. Can't you hear me? I want to run away. I want to but why must you be here with me! Why do I feel as though I am tied to you? Why is my weakness still here with me? Why?!!!!!

She told me to be strong and just give in to my heart for once. But I am really scared... You are so full of yourself and your world that at times.... yeah at times.... you failed to notice that I am here.... standing.... in front of you.... always.....
posted by Titiks @ 1:15 PM |
Friday, September 25, 2009
I am really confuse. My heart.... why the sudden fear? No strength to do anything. Why?

Why didn't he call yesterday? Am I waiting? I don't know. I don't want to be anywhere far from him.

I told myself that I don't want all this. I don't want anymore love but why? Why did I let him in? How did he find the key that was missing?

Love.... I admit but I am running away. Though it bring tears to my eyes but allow me to cry now than later. Though it is true of what you say. 'it is too late to regret.' but I really don't know. I wouldn't say I regret over what happen especially when it is with you. In fact, it is the best memory I had since March this year. In fact, I want to thank you. Don't ask me what it is for. I just want to thank you from the first time we met till now. Thanks for lying to make me happy. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you the most.

The rumours that began from our frequent messages should have stop. Maybe your laughter and smiles or even ur gazes to me could have stop too. Just because of my status. Just because of our races or maybe...just maybe because of our nationalities. Maybe we are not meant to be together. Maybe you are suppose to be with her. Don't worry my dear. I am not running from you because of her though you deny being with her.

Thanks for calling me today. I admit I miss you so much. Thank you for being fickle. It makes my decision easier.

One thing though my dear. One thing that I wish you could know. I never meant for this to happen. I never did meant for this to happen. My is painful. The wound is real. It was almost heal until you came along. It is not bleeding but still it is not heal. The wound just stop healing nor is it gotten worst until now. I cried.... a lot.... My dear... my dear.... I am sorry for not meeting you earlier in our life. Is it my fault? I am going away from you. I am trying my best not to contact you. So, please help me...
posted by Titiks @ 9:58 PM |
Thursday, September 24, 2009
My brain... my heart... my wish... my future....
Why didn't we meet earlier?
Why are you '..........'?
Why do you have a '....'?

If only we knew earlier, I wouldn't mind......

That was the questions he kept asking in one single breath.

What did you say?

No. nothing...

What did you say?

Nothing. Really nothing.....

I heard it clearly. Very clear. And I know there and then that even if we are together, we will still be separated. But... what happen on that day... is it a mistake or is it something that both of us wanted all along? We are inseparable but now I am scared. What happen on that day? Do you remember? It kept flashing on my mind. Every moments of it. Everything had happened. Nothing to be regretful about.

J, nobody wants a life like this. I don't ask for this either. It hurts me. It hurts her. Thanks for being there for me when I needed someone. J, I realise who I am; really. I know where I stand. Why did we let it happen? Is the rumours going to be true? Are we going to fulfil their wish?

Whatever it is, I know for sure.... between u and me, there is no 'us'...........
posted by Titiks @ 1:56 PM |
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Nice number isn't it?

My day today are nice too. Nearly perfect maybe. Just maybe...

I met up with my darling ex-colleagues. We are as close as brothers and sisters. I miss them so much but the night went so fast and we have to go back home after that. How I wish the time just stop and we are still there catching up with each other's life and stuffs.... yea... just stuffs.... but again......

I met him. He invited me to watch his friend's show. I was taken aback at first but went ahead. We were separated by his friends. Though yea still one table but still..... I only know him.... Then I just watch his friend singing until my neck hurts then I just made up my mind to squeeze through his house mate's conversation and yea... we click on well especially when the other two vietnamese girls join us. He join the conversation too and yes I admit that there is a sting of jealousy here and there though most of the time he would held up his drink to mine and say cheers and his gaze was just to me. But I can't help feeling the awkward stares that I got from the girls.

His house mate asked me; what is my intention in being his friend. I told him that there is no intention or anything got to do with that but well, like the rest of my engineers, he don't believe me too. Who cares anyway! He never ask me anything like that before... maybe I thought he knows that I am sincere in being his friend but.... if only he know or so I thought.

I told him that am leaving early. And he said that he wanna go off with me. No way that I am going off alone (yea as if). And so when it is time to leave, he told me to wait for another minute and I say 15... ok! And so 15 minutes had passed and he told me, do we really have to go? And I said yea... we are late. Ok ok... another 15 alrite. Ok! Another 15 minutes passed and I said that's it. Are you going back or not? And he gave me a look and I just stamped my feet and told him, ' Look dear, I am going back. It is really ok if you're not leaving with me. I can still find my way back. I don't force you to leave with me. I dun expect you to leave with me. So, what's ur decision?' By that time, everybody stares at me and I was like... ooppsss.... He is just my engineer after all. Hehe....

Guess what? He said ok.... am leaving with you. I want to leave with you. Wait for me.....

Shake hands with everybody but when he came up to those girls, he kissed her hand! I was like... cummon! Even if you wanna kiss, dun kiss her hand. You should kiss the other girl's hand. She likes you stupid. Can't you see? She is definitely prettier (and bustier) than her friend. Then I was like... am I jealous? But if I am jealous, I would have mind if he kiss the other friend's hand but I am not. Instead I wish he kissed the other girl's hand but after that.... after that.....

I heard the girls ask his house mate on why he has to leave with me. I am just a colleague after all but I only heard... 'I don't know'...

His hand was behind me and I did not notice it. One question pop out from his mouth.... Are you interested in me? I was like 'what?!' what as in WHAT???!!!! I was surprised by that question. I did not expect him to ask me that but still I told him in calm.. No. What makes you say that? And he goes like, it is ok to have interest in me. HUH??!!! This man is so full of himself, isn't it??

I just smile and kept quiet. I had answered him NO, hadn't I?

I did not realise how close we were to each other at the traffic light. I can even smell him. He is a nice man. At least, he made me laugh. He jokes. His gaze at me from the first time we met..... I remember it all.

But our closeness to each other had become dangerous. Too dangerous. People suspect though there is definitely nothing between us.

But the most important thing is..... I can't trust you. I am sorry. I can't fall for you. The wounds that he left me with is too deep and there is no way I can forget it. If only you knew what I had gone through... if you only knew how I feel.... you would come to understand that..... I don't have the right to do this.... to feel this....

I just don't have the right to but yet I still hope you are always here with me.........
posted by Titiks @ 12:00 PM |
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Weekend - 05/09 &06/09
No messages. No calls. I didn't ask for this.

Thanks for giving me a big hint. The answers to all my questions. Don't think that I am a fool. Life had taught me a lot of things. To be careful. Even before you gave me that hint, I already knew it. I won't disturb you. No worries. Though you told me that I never disturb you even when you are very busy at work. You are really at sweet nothings. That question when you asked if I prefer you or him to miss me; I really dunno what to say. To me, I rather nobody miss me. Missing someone hurts. Loving someone hurts too. And therefore, I always hide it and make sure I don't fall deeper. It is easier to forget that way.

You will always be my friend. A friend that I don't trust. You had said sorry when we first knew each other and now it is my turn to say sorry at the end of it.

As you know, I hate liars.
posted by Titiks @ 9:17 PM |
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
I just don't understand why people should lie? Lies was given at a starting of friendship. Can you imagine that? How am I suppose to trust people? I had understood that realities are not fantasies but please don't make me believe that life are full lies. I just about to pick up my strength and courage.

It is hurting. I hate liars. Because of them, my life had been ruined. My heart has closed its doors for everybody. It is the first time after a long time that I felt comfortable talking about everything just to know that the friend that I trust, lied to me.

This is just great! What have I done to deserve all this?!!!

But.... somehow, I still hope that you will explain everything (if you only knew that I found out about your lies).
posted by Titiks @ 5:22 AM |
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
When I thought what is going to happen today, I felt very tired thinking of what to say to the officers at ICA and if the translator can really speak English as to liaise with me and translate Korean to English or maybe he only knows basic English.... haiz...

But he surprise me and I have nothing but praises for him.

We start of well with a 'good morning' from him (which makes me feel like am rude as I did not greet him first). Next question was, "Are we going to MOM or ICA?" and another 'rude' me told the driver "ICA please".

What happened next?

I realise maybe am rude (am definitely am rude) and so I turn back and ask him if he is "......" and he said yes and he speaks to me with the American accent slang of English which impressed me in a way. And we click on very well from there...

Three awkward questions was addressed to me and I really dunno how to answer it but when I did, he kept saying 'am sorry' for like 100x!

Am over it. And now, here we are messaging non-stop and talk about everything.

My questions for myself is:-
How did I ever get myself comfortable with him?
How did I ever talk to someone this much?
How did I ever put myself in such a place that I felt so secured?!

Am beginning not to trust myself. Am really scared to let go. Am really scared of everything that life has for me. How do I ever move on???

Allah, please help me. Am suffering as it is.....
posted by Titiks @ 3:57 PM |
About Me

Titiks, born on 1st July, gainfully employed in an architech firm. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad but hey, I'm only human!
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